From Mindful Loving: Chapter 3 The Power of Thought to Heal Relationships "You are what you think. All that you are arises
from your thoughts. "As a man thinketh in his heart,
so he is." A RADICAL SHIFT IN THINKING If you’re someone who has always believed that God or the god power is outside of you, how do you suddenly see or uncover your divine power within? How do we make this leap of faith? We must think about ourselves, our relationships, and our world around us in a new way, and historically, such a dramatic paradigm shift is at first difficult to accept. Consider the Copernican Revolution, which was profoundly significant in the evolution of mankind, shaking us out of one-dimensional thinking. In an instant, humans were asked to revise their vision of the world and no longer think of the Earth as the center of the universe, acknowledging that the sun is at the center of the solar system. Yet it still took many years for people to widely accept that the sun did not revolve around the Earth, that the Earth was not the center of the universe, and that there was an invisible force called gravity! People were ostracized, persecuted, excommunicated, and even killed for going against the tribal beliefs of the time. That is how powerfully attached we can be to one way of conceiving or viewing our world. I suggest that we are now in the beginning of an even more profound revolution—the recognition that the human mind is not restricted to the brain and the body. Instead, there is a growing recognition that the mind reaches forth to the world about us through a unified field of consciousness, exercising effects at multiple levels in every aspect of our lives. This is often referred to as the nonlocal mind. While this reality has been understood by occasional masters and shamans and certain “primitive” tribes, only now are we on the brink of a major paradigm shift in the larger, human tribal mind. We now have more people willing to share openly their personal experiences, as well as mounting scientific studies that are propelling this revolutionary understanding of mind, finding evidence of the far-reaching effects of our thoughts on plants, our bodies, on seemingly nonconscious matter, and on other people, most notably for healing. As you’ve seen in the previous chapter, it is the findings of the new physics that have decoded our interactive creative potential, and therefore our capability of being happy. The modern-day physicists have proven that our seemingly separate minds are actually a part of a larger universal mind. As the renowned physicist Erwin Shröedinger stated it, “Mind is a singulare tantum. The total number of minds I have been able to observe in the universe is one.” If Mind is One, if there is no objective reality separate from it (as the physicist Heisenberg understood it), then our thoughts are constantly creating in synchronistic manifestations all about us. This universal mind contains all the power of the universe. When we think a thought in our seemingly separate minds, the infinite power of Mind responds by using that power to manifest aspects of it that can be observed. It is becoming common knowledge that minds with compassionate thoughts can boost the immune system, promote healing, lift depression, bring happiness, and even strengthen us physically. A Course in Miracles, a comprehensive psycho-spiritual work, says: “There is no such thing as an idle thought. For what gives rise to the whole world you see can hardly be called idle.” Does this mean that if I have a murderous thought about someone, that person will die? Hardly! But it does mean that powerful negative energy will have an effect on your self, and cause a ripple effect in those around you, and even the larger, collective world consciousness. Andy, one of my clients, could not believe that his continual negative and pessimistic thoughts about work and his private, critical thoughts about his partner, Alice, could affect her in any significant way. No matter how much she insisted that she was deeply affected by his words, Andy discounted the connection between his thoughts and their effects on Alice even though he acknowledged that his thoughts created a depressed and unhappy state for himself. Like Isaac Newton, Andy could not believe that he could affect another across the house. I decided to give Andy and Alice a dramatic demonstration of how all of us have the ability to affect those around us; I have used this exercise with numerous couples and demonstrated it to large audiences. First, so that Andy could experience in his body the effects of his thoughts, I suggested that he stand and extend his arm straight in front of him. Next, in order to assess his relative strength, I then pressed down on his arm, asking him to resist. I then asked Andy to focus on any of his critical thoughts about Alice or his fear thoughts about work, and tested the strength of his arm again. It was very weak, virtually flopping down with my pressing down with only one or two of my fingers. Next, I asked Andy to think a compassionate thought about anyone, suggesting that he remember a time when he felt his heart go out to anyone with love, expecting nothing in return. Again I tested his arm, and it was rigid with strength. Then I suggested that Alice stand in front of Andy, but with her back to him, so she could not see him, and I had her put her arm out in front of her. After creating a private signal system with Andy as to which thought to think (i.e., positive or negative), I tested Alice’s arm as Andy focused on each thought. When Andy was thinking thoughts of compassion, Alice’s arm became strong; when Andy focused on critical or fearful thoughts, Alice’s arm became weak. She couldn’t explain why there was a difference. Finally Andy was beginning to see and believe that all of his thoughts indeed affected Alice! But we did not stop the exercise there. I now instructed Andy to continue to think his fear thoughts or critical thoughts, and I instructed Alice to focus on thoughts of compassion. I first tested Alice’s arm, and it became strong—no longer affected by Andy’s negative thinking. As she continued to focus on her compassionate thoughts, Andy had more and more difficulty staying with his critical thoughts. Next, I tested Andy’s arm: as his negative thoughts subsided, his own arm began to gain strength. The higher energy of compassion overrode the lower energy of fear, not only protecting Alice from Andy’s negativity, but also beginning to bring healing to Andy’s mind as well! This is the inherent power of our thoughts. They not only affect how we feel—physically and emotionally—but they also affect the minds of others, especially those to whom we are most close and intimate. Would you consider, then, that every so-called idle thought is hardly idle at all, that it is a powerful creative force extending from our bodies, out to others and the universe, affecting every aspect of our lives, including our relationships? This interconnectedness of all that exists in the universe has profound implications for us and our relationships. Let us look closer at how we can use our thoughts to switch out of ego-based relationships and open our hearts, minds, and bodies to all that is contained in the spiritual relationship. USING THE POWER OF THOUGHT While I was in graduate school in Boston, I was fortunate to have had Dr. Victor Frankl as a visiting professor for a seminar in existential psychology. Dr. Frankl, a Viennese psychiatrist and the founder of logotherapy, had also been a Nazi concentration-camp survivor, and had written a number of widely read books that grew out of his experience in the death camps, including From Death Camp to Existentialism, Man’s Search for Meaning and The Doctor and the Soul. He told of the horrible circumstances in the camps, and how some people survived while others did not. Some got sick with malaria, while others remained healthy. Some ran into the electric wire and electrocuted themselves, while others chose to remain alive, even in hopeless circumstances. Some were tortured or even killed by the guards, while others were actually befriended by the same guards. Many were understandably miserable, while others amazingly remained cheerful and positive much of the time. He became very curious as to what made such a drastic difference among people who were all living in the same circumstances—often a life-and-death difference. So he began to talk to many of the other prisoners to find out who they were, and what was going on inside them—particularly what they were thinking about. He found that some thought only despairing thoughts about the future. Others lived for the hope of reuniting with loved ones, or looked forward to tasks they wished to complete, such as writing a book, creating a business, or finishing school. Some constantly complained about the atrocities and the miseries they experienced in the camp, while others kept a cheerful spirit, finding something—anything—to be thankful for, even if it was only to have a little morsel of bread with their watery soup, or that the guards were not as cruel to any of them as the day before. Out of his observations and dialogues with hundreds of fellow prisoners, Dr. Frankl came to his most important conclusion: Even in a concentration camp where all external freedoms are stripped away, there remained one freedom that the Nazis could not take away: No one can control what we think in our minds! He further concluded that it was what people thought that substantially distinguished the survivors from the nonsurvivors. The circumstances were the same, but the thoughts people dwelt upon in their minds were different. Since that time, as I have observed my personal relationships and those of the people I worked with, I concluded that what we think often does far more to influence the nature of our relationships than what we say or do. Over fifteen years ago, in order to test this premise, I tried an informal experiment with my wife over the course of two weeks, without her knowledge. I do not recommend that you do this experiment, however. One day, I thought only positive thoughts about her while I was away at work. I dismissed any negative thoughts and only focused on loving and caring thoughts, and thoughts of appreciation and admiration. And I focused only on good memories of times we had enjoyed together. On the next day, I thought only negative thoughts about her—critical thoughts, judging thoughts, grievances, complaints, hurts, resentments, and anger. Then, I continued alternating this pattern each day for two weeks. The results were far more dramatic than I had anticipated. On the days I had thought only positive and loving thoughts about her, I found that when I opened the door to our New York apartment, where we lived at that time, she would bound to the door to greet me with a hug and kiss. Some days, she might have a cold drink in hand and lead me off to the sofa where we’d sit and discuss our day together. On the days when I focused on only negative thoughts, she would be nowhere to be found when I entered. I would call out to her cheerfully, but would get only a grumpy response from the far end of the apartment. When I found her and we started to talk, we would inevitably quickly end up in some kind of spat. At first, I concluded that thinking those thoughts must have set me up for a different orientation and mind-set prior to seeing her. While this was no doubt true, I was amazed to discover another factor as well. When we sat down to talk about the experiment, my wife was at first delighted to learn that the past two weeks had been only an experiment. Next, when I asked her to reconstruct as accurately as possible what she was thinking about me on those days, we discovered, amazingly, that when I was thinking positive thoughts about her, she was also thinking thoughts of appreciation and love toward me. And on the days I was thinking judgmental, critical, and resentful thoughts about her, she was thinking the same kind of thoughts about me! It seemed that what the physicists are saying, that our minds are not separate, but joined together in a larger unified field of consciousness, was indeed true. Even though we had not even spoken on the phone on those days, and were a distance apart, she resonated with the kind of thoughts I was consciously choosing to think about her. I wondered, “Are our thoughts, both conscious and unconscious, always having an effect for good or ill on those about us?” If we pause to reflect on it, we see that everything actually begins as a thought; for was there ever anything that was created that did not first begin as a thought? The thoughts we think actually determine our whole personal reality! The notion that thoughts are immensely powerful and are the beginning of all creation is seen in the wisdom of the ages. In the creation story in the Bible, creation began with: “And God said, ‘Let there be . . . ’,” which is a thought. The Gospel of John begins: “In the beginning was the Word . . . ,” which is a thought! The Buddha said, “With our thoughts we make our world.” And yet the power of these thoughts can create ill as well as good by keeping us anchored in the counterfeit self, or ego, as we saw earlier, thereby creating and continuing our relationship problems. It’s up to us to make a conscious choice to use these powerful tools to help us awaken to our True Self while transforming our relationships at the same time! This is the most direct way to influence our relationships most, immediately. Our thoughts always speak of what we think we are, either the littleness and limitations we believe we are, or when such thoughts are undone, the grandeur and power of our true essence. Social psychologists tell us that the average person has approximately 25,000 thoughts each day. Some studies suggest that it could be as high as 72,000 a day, depending on how one defines a thought. Perhaps of most significance is that as many as 90–95 percent of those thoughts are the same ones we think repeatedly day after day. Some of these thoughts will be positive (loving, accepting, peaceful, happy, thankful, grateful, etc.) and some will be negative (fearful, judging, resentful, worried, guilty, angry, etc.). As you begin to become aware of your individual thoughts, you will also become aware of certain characteristic thought patterns. These are thought themes that you dwell upon repetitively, sometimes for years, each producing its characteristic result in your life. We all have these thought patterns; often, people who have kept diaries across many years are astonished to read their entries from a decade or two before, finding the themes frightfully similar to their recent entries. But of course, it is the negative thoughts that we have to be most watchful of, for these are evidence of the ego at work. Such negative thoughts as fear make us anxious or angry and cause adrenaline to surge in our bodies. Powerless and critical thoughts bring depression by changing the serotonin level in our brains. Failure or worthless thoughts bring failure; rejection thoughts invite rejection, comparative and judging thoughts make us miserable, jealous thoughts make us anxious and depressed, and the list goes on. And, as is the nature of the ego’s thinking, we may find ourselves constantly thinking, judging, analyzing, criticizing, projecting, reliving, or even rehearsing conversations in our minds with people we do not like. Sometimes these negative voices in our heads are so pervasive that if we ever seem to have a modicum of peace at all, it is quite temporary and easily displaced. The reason for this is that our thoughts are always having an effect of some kind! I call these negative thoughts “enemy thoughts”; in this way, we can begin to isolate, identify, and then expunge these destructive ideas from our heads! Our soldiers in Vietnam had the highest rate of combat neurosis of any war in American history. The reason for this is that they most often did not know who the enemy was. While it could be a soldier in uniform like in other wars, often the enemy could be a grandfather, a mother with a baby in her arms, or a six-year-old child who could throw a grenade into their jeep. Not being able to identify the enemy is what drove the soldiers crazy, sometimes to the point of shooting innocent people. Likewise, when we do not know which of our thoughts are enemy thoughts, it destroys the happiness in our relationships of all types. We experience diverse forms of anxiety, depression, and victimization because we are not aware that our pain began with our enemy thoughts. We then blame the other person or circumstances for our unhappiness. While most people would never invite an enemy into their homes for dinner, we do so unwittingly with our painful, negative thoughts. It’s like inviting the Trojan horse within our gates, thinking it is a gift, remaining unaware that it is filled with enemy soldiers who are ready to take over the city. We entertain such thoughts not only for dinner, but allow them to stay as a houseguest, perhaps for months or even years, thinking that the source of our suffering is caused by something or someone outside our own minds. A Course in Miracles puts it succinctly when it states, “My thoughts alone cause my pain.” Like many people, I believed when I married for the first time that what happened had nothing to do with what I was thinking or feeling, since I believed my thoughts were private and only influenced my experiences if I acted upon them. From this perspective, I moved through my life the same way I dealt with the weather: I experienced a variety of situations and some of them happened to be loving or rejecting, nurturing or critical, giving or punishing, but all of them, like the weather, were completely out of my control. Things happened to me, including what happened in my relationships. Such a distorted perception led to the end of my marriage, as it has for so many others. After remarrying, I continually and increasingly have learned that I am a major cocreator of all aspects of my relationships. I may not always want to see the scope of my responsibility and effect, but when I think critical or deprived thoughts about my wife, I not only feel worse, but she becomes more critical as well, and more rejecting and depriving toward me. On the other hand, I have also seen that when I let go of my critical thoughts and choose to think accepting thoughts about her instead, not only do I feel better, but my wife behaves differently—more loving, more accepting, more giving. After continuous testing and experimentation, I can now see without a doubt that the world that I have created in my mind becomes the world that I experience. This does not mean that she did not bring her own qualities and history with her. But what I do with them is a major influence for good or ill and certainly determines how I feel. All joy and all suffering start with thoughts; depression and joy start with thoughts; abundance and scarcity begin with thoughts; health and sickness begin with thoughts; heaven and hell begin with thoughts; even those powerful placebo effects of drugs begin as thoughts. Can our thoughts, then, not affect every aspect of our relationships, since thoughts are the seeds of perceptions, emotions, and actions? How often do we feel sad, frightened, depressed, anxious, or unhappy in a relationship, but do not know why? Or perhaps we get stuck at the level of blaming the other person for our unhappiness. If, however, we are able to identify the thought patterns that we have been entertaining, perhaps unconsciously, we can usually identify the source of our unhappiness. Similarly, if we feel joyous, optimistic, and happy, our thought patterns will expose that source as well so that we can repeat it. Our thought constellations are a central factor in what transpires in our interpersonal relationships, even affecting, to various degrees, whether our partners are loving and kind or rejecting and hostile. And, of course, our thoughts translate themselves, sometimes instantly, into bodily responses of health or sickness, and into success or failure in many situations, whether sooner or later. Even our brain chemistry is changed immediately in response to each of our thoughts and the feelings that follow. Dozens of studies not sponsored by drug companies have found cognitive therapy to be at least equally and often more effective than antidepressants in alleviating depression—and it is longer lasting. As long as we think the thoughts we have always thought, with the frequency with which we have thought them, and as unconsciously, our lives and our relationships can never consistently improve, for we will be imprisoned in the ego mind’s way of thinking. Until we become the master of our minds, we cannot take charge of our feelings or our relationships, and we will experience ourselves as being at the effect of others—essentially an experience of victimization. THE VICIOUS CYCLE OF INTERACTION We have been taught the three Rs, the sciences, and even computer technology, but most of us have never been taught how to be in charge of what we think, when we think it, and the length of time we spend thinking our various thoughts. Nor have we been taught to see that each one has a profound effect in our lives, for every mood of joy or sadness does not just happen by accident. Rather, it is first created by a thought, sometimes a conscious one, while at other times it may be a repetitive and less conscious core-belief system. When my client Jennifer, a senior executive of a major corporation, came to see me, she had become very frustrated with her life because “she had no peace.” And even though she “loved [her] husband and son desperately,” she felt all they did was create more pressure for her. However, once Jennifer began to break into her vicious cycle, examining her thoughts, she began to recognize the fact that her thoughts had a great deal to do with her not having a consistent peace of mind. She agreed to keep a log for a few days of all the thoughts that disturbed her inner peace. Together, we practiced the thought-monitoring technique (described in the next chapter), and she came back to her next session with a few situations in which it seemed as if her husband’s behavior took away her inner peace. But as we discussed these situations, she began to see that it was not his behavior that took away her peace, but her interpretations of his behavior and the things that she thought about it. She started to realize that the anger she was expressing and the resentment she was holding was an attack upon her inner peace and did not change the outside condition of her husband as her ego thinking had promised her. At first she thought that only such dramatic interactions took away her peace. So I asked her if she ever felt a loss of peace otherwise, whereupon she became aware of expectations and disappointments with her mother. Next, she realized that she used a negative news report about something happening to a child to start a litany of worry about the safety of her own son. And further, after she referred to work as a place she enjoyed, we then discovered that there was a loss of peace there as well. She constantly felt pressured and anxious, and suddenly awakened to the reality that when she felt either, her peace flew out the window. She had not realized that she could do the same work diligently, but without pressure and worry. Suddenly she thought, “Oh my God! I live under constant pressure everywhere!” And then, referring to the log she had been keeping, she exclaimed, “I could be filling books with thoughts that take away my peace!” Jennifer, like most of us, had not been aware of how constantly she lived in the ego state and unwittingly harbored the thoughts that destroyed her peace. She had become accustomed to a mediocre level of “happiness” common to many people, and was now beginning to awaken to the unlimited potential of the Spiritual Self for pervasive joy and happiness, once her thoughts were mastered. For with each disturbing thought she banished, it was another moment of peace and happiness. And the more she monitored such thoughts, the happier she was with her husband and son. Let us look at a diagram that will help to illustrate how our thoughts work in what I refer to as the “Vicious Interaction Cycle of the Ego.” Once you understand this cycle, you will see how by learning to monitor your thoughts, you can begin to transform your relationship from ego-based to spiritual. Of course, this entails the awakening of your True Self.  Look at the diagram, and focus first on (A) core beliefs—which are outgrowths of our conclusions drawn from our childhood experiences about ourselves, about others, and about life, such as “I am worthy or unworthy,” “I am lovable or unlovable,” “I am capable or incapable,” or “I am safe or in danger,” just to mention a few. These beliefs also contain the ego thoughts of being born into a separate body, and therefore thrive in the illusion of separation, such as “I will inevitably be abandoned” or “I will definitely be rejected.” Such beliefs are like computer software programs that generate the same relationship patterns throughout life, unless they are changed. These beliefs give rise to our repetitive . . . (B) thought constellations. If we make a careful analysis of both our beliefs and thought patterns, we find that the repetitive thought constellations we have each day actually rehearse our beliefs, thereby making them even more entrenched in the individual personality, much like rehearsing lines in a play. The more we rehearse them, the better we know them, and the more we live them. The core beliefs combined with our thought constellations give rise to our (C) interpretive perceptions. Our perceptions cannot be objective and therefore never are, for they carry an instantaneous and synchronous interpretation of an event growing out of our belief systems. These perceptions, therefore, always contain our personal meanings and interpretations, which are hardly objective. Our interpretative perceptions, then, give rise to our (D) emotions. Our emotions never just happen, or, as some people might say, “I just feel that way.” Instead, such a person is simply not aware of the thought, belief, or interpretive perception, whether conscious or unconscious, that triggered the emotion. Our emotions, fueled by our beliefs, thought constellations, and interpretive perceptions join together to determine our (E) behavior, which elicits a (F) response from what we perceive as the outside world. Such response usually serves as a (G) confirmation of our old belief system. And the vicious interaction cycle goes on and on, often for a lifetime, unless we gain the awareness of how to change the vicious cycle and choose to do so. Most people live their lives of “quiet desperation” in this vicious cycle without awareness of how to break out of it; and many who are exposed to the awareness of how to, do not choose to or simply argue for the position of its being impossible. And when you live here, in the ego-based cycle, you perpetuate your confusion of identity—the ultimate cause of your relationship problems. Therefore, in order to reunite with your True Self and thereby be able to make a conscious choice to create a spiritual relationship, you must learn how to break into this vicious cycle of interaction. BREAKING INTO THE VICIOUS CYCLE
When we begin to observe our thoughts and realize we are cocreators of our relationships, the ego experiences threat, for its very existence is now in jeopardy, since it feeds on being listened to and believed in. Like Hydra, the many-headed monster of Greek mythology, our ego will grow a second, more threatening head whenever one is cut off or jeopardized. So let us look at each part of the cycle in more depth, in order to anticipate this interference of the ego. Most of our typical and repetitive thoughts and subsequent behaviors grow out of our core beliefs (A), those fixed conclusions we drew as children about ourselves, about people, and about the world—and particularly about who and what we are. Again, these core beliefs can be either negative or positive; and we need to be most concerned with the negative. The negative beliefs are those that come from the disturbing ego voice and therefore need to be dismissed. For example, if you were loved unconditionally, you probably have come to believe that you are loveable. This positive belief has therefore become part of your foundation for having happy, satisfying relationships: you believe and trust in love. If, however, you were judged, neglected, or criticized frequently as a child, then you may have come to believe that you are inferior, imperfect, and not worth very much just as you are. As a result, your relationships are probably founded on the negative belief that you don’t deserve love. When you carry such a belief, it becomes difficult—often impossible—to actually experience love. The negative core belief cancels out the reality. If you were treated like a prince or princess, you may feel entitled, having come to believe that the world should revolve around you and cater to you at all times, often overlooking other people’s feelings and needs. If you were given affirmations about your abilities, you might trust your capacity to learn or perform, or conclude that you are inadequate if praise, approval, or belief was lacking. If your basic needs were not responded to with some love and consistency, you might believe that the world is not a trustworthy place for your needs to be met. Or, you might come to believe that people are loving or rejecting, trustworthy or depriving. If you were abused, emotionally or physically, by close family members, even neglected or overprotected, you might conclude that people are dangerous, especially in intimacy. Our experiences, then, help to reinforce our sense of ego separateness or strengthen our awareness of the True Self. Let’s follow a core belief to its end. For example, if you were criticized a lot as a child, and came to believe (A) that you are rejectable and not OK as you are, then your thought constellations (B) will include repetitive thoughts that support and powerfully rehearse and reinforce such beliefs. You may remember times when you were rejected, and as the ego loves to do, anticipate situations where you know there will be a repeat of the pain in the future, or you may focus on something you believe is rejectable about you. Then your perception (C) will likely be colored by a rejection interpretation. As we saw earlier, physicists tell us that there are no objective perceptions. All perceptions are interactional, and include our interpretations, for as the Nobel Prize–winning physicist Neils Bohr put it: “What we experience is not external reality, but our interaction with it.” In this context, perceptions are profoundly influenced by our beliefs and the thoughts that sustain them. Therefore, if you believe you are not loveable, and that you are rejectable, then you are likely to view others’ behavior as confirmation of your belief. And if you perceive (C) a statement or behavior as criticism or rejection, then your emotion (D) is likely to be hurt, fear, or anger. Your behavior (E) will follow suit in that you are likely to be defensive, retaliate in anger, take flight, or shut down. Any of these behaviors will effect a response (F) from the perceived outside, which, unless the other person is capable of remaining very centered with a lot of inner security, is likely to be a counterattack, defensiveness, or flight. This will then serve as a confirmation (G) for your old belief that you are not loveable or that you are rejectable. Such a vicious cycle can go on ad infinitum throughout our entire lives, disturbing all our relationships, unless we become aware of our beliefs and our thoughts that sustain them. And most basically, such thoughts and beliefs help comprise our erroneous identity at the false-self level where we mostly live. In the next chapter, we will focus on highly effective ways, newly available to us, of changing the software of our beliefs. Yet we often need a way to begin to break into that painful and nonfunctional vicious cycle now, in the moment of experience. CHANGING OUR THOUGHTS Since everything begins at the thought level, it follows that the first place to intervene in the vicious cycle is at the source—our thoughts. Thoughts can be changed before they are manifested in countless visible ways. When we practice observing and changing our thought constellations, we have a most effective process through which all subsequent change can occur. Before looking at some very powerful and practical techniques for doing such thought monitoring, first note how making such changes in our thoughts changes the whole vicious cycle. Note the effects of changing our thoughts as illustrated in the figure below. Think of the diagram as three-dimensional, and that the outer circle is actually above the other circle, representing a transcendent perspective. First, we can now make the perceptual shift more easily, for we have stopped the rehearsal sessions that support our negative beliefs. Next, the emotions, behaviors, and responses just follow suit. By simply changing our thought patterns, we can make a shift out of the old system at the thought constellation level (B), and we move into a new circle (1) by changing our thoughts, which begins to create a different reality for ourselves. If we can become conscious of the thought patterns that have been repetitive for us, and that have been contributing to our pain and suffering of any kind, then we can elect to change any of those thoughts, initially by choosing to let such thoughts not take root in our minds. Please look at the new, outer circle in the diagram as you read, continuing with the same example of a belief that “I am rejectable”:  — If you have ceased rehearsing the old, negative core belief that you are rejectable by changing (1) thought constellations, — then your (2) interpretive perceptions of the world are likely to change as well, giving rise to visions of acceptance or love rather than seeing most experiences as evidence of rejection. If you are perceiving acceptance instead of rejection, — your (3) emotions are no longer likely to be pain and anger, but perhaps joy and happiness instead. And if those emotions have changed, — then your (4) new behavior is likely to be kind, loving, and friendly, rather than fight, defense, or flight. — Your changed behavior is most likely to invite very (5) different responses from others, therefore ceasing to be a confirmation of your old core belief, — but instead is a (6) disconfirmation of the belief, — thereby beginning to erode the (7) core belief rather than reinforcing it. Let us look at a few examples of how thought monitoring has helped people to break out of the Vicious Interaction Cycle of the Ego and bring significant changes in their relationships, while at the same time finding more of their True Self. People often speak of entertaining thoughts in their minds. The word “entertaining” implies a certain attitude of welcoming and continuation for a while, instead of just a fleeting thought. When we entertain a guest, we welcome them in, ask them to stay for coffee or a drink, or perhaps for dinner, and sometimes as an overnight guest. Occasionally we invite one to stay longer. It is much the same with our thoughts, especially about ourselves or our partners—or any other relationship. It is those thoughts that we allow to linger by welcoming them into our minds that have their persistent and continuing effects. On the other hand, thoughts, even very negative ones, if stopped, reversed, or substituted, cease to have any lingering effect. And the sooner we stop such thoughts, the sooner we curtail the negative effects in our lives. In fact, even the frequency of their appearance in our minds quickly begins to decrease with continual thought monitoring. Negative thoughts, which are all of the ego, are much like weeds in our flower gardens. When we have not weeded in a long time, the need for the next weeding comes more quickly, for the roots and seeds from the weeds have helped produce new weeds. On the other hand, when we have weeded frequently for a while, we can wait longer in-between weedings because the weeds do not sprout up so quickly. Similarly, ego thoughts that have been left unmonitored occur with vicious frequency, while those that have been consistently monitored and dismissed cease to reappear with such frequency. Gradually, they occur more sporadically. Take Jon, another client who singlehandedly transformed a horrible marriage into a peaceful and happy one. Jon came to see me because he was having panic attacks every afternoon at the thought of going home after work. He opened his first session by saying, “Doc, I think I must be married to the world’s biggest shrew.” As he talked further, I began to see what he meant. His panic was based on the fact that he did not know what his wife might do when he got home. Would she start cursing at him as he walked in? Would he be hit in the face with a dirty wet dishcloth? Would she punch him for something she had been thinking about that he had done in the distant past? She had been known to throw cups of coffee or bowls of soup in his face at the table. Clearly, she was extremely unhappy and focused all of her unhappiness on her husband. He concluded, “Doc, you’ve got to help me.” I responded, “How do you most want help?” to which he replied, “I would like help to make this marriage into a happy one, if possible. If I can’t succeed, I want help in being able to get out.” After clarifying that his first choice was to save his marriage if it could be a happy one, I asked, “What are you willing to do to make your marriage happy?” to which he replied, “I’ll do anything, Doc. I just don’t know what to do.” I then asked him, “Would you be willing to do an unusual exercise as an experiment for the next two weeks—one which might seem a little strange?” “Sure,” he said. I then outlined the experiment to him. I suggested that when he began to think of going home and started to feel the first signs of panic, that he observe the fear or dread thought, consciously and willfully let it go, and replace it with a memory of a good time with his wife. He said, “Doc, that’s the dumbest exercise I ever heard of. But since I said I’ll do anything, I will do it.” Then he added, “I’ll have to go way back to find a good memory, maybe back to our first year of marriage.” He paused to retrieve some good memories. Eventually he came up with only three, all from twelve years before, and apologized for not finding more. I assured him that three would be sufficient, and we ended our first session. He came back three days later and began his session by saying, “I think my wife must have a touch of that bug that has been going around. She seems a little more subdued than usual.” I did not attempt to connect this to the experiment at this time. Four days later, he was back for his next session, saying, “This weekend was unusual. There were no arguments. I don’t mean to say that all our problems are solved, but it sure was the easiest weekend we have had in years. My wife has always said that she would never go to see a shrink. I wonder, could she have started to see one secretly and didn’t tell me?” Again, instead of making any connection to the experiment, we just talked about whether he had been successful in doing the experiment. Three days later, at his next session, he said, “This is the longest time we have had without some kind of extreme outburst on my wife’s part—the longest in years. (Thoughtful pause.) Could it be that exercise I have been doing?” Now he became curious as to whether he was actually having a positive and healing effect on his relationship—and he slowly became convinced since this was the only thing different that he could identify. Then he asked, “Do you mind if I keep doing the experiment? I know the two weeks are up, but since it seems to be working, can I keep doing it?” I assured him that he certainly could do it as long as he wished, and that I practiced and would continue to practice very similar exercises for the rest of my life. As he continued his experiment week after week, and then month after month, doing it quite conscientiously, his relationship with his wife began to change dramatically. “She’s not perfect,” he said. “She still gets mad sometimes and sometimes she’s impatient. But there is none of the extreme behavior that had been common before.” Sigmund Freud posited that strong irrational fears should be treated as wishes. We know that dogs smell fear in a frightened person and are more likely to attack such a person. Fear, therefore, seems to work like a magnetic force field, often attracting that which is feared into one’s life—if not overtly, it is experienced as real in our minds. Likewise, loving thoughts which are genuine seem to attract love. Jon came to see that by changing his thoughts he had healed his own mind, and had helped to bring healing to his wife’s mind as well. Also, as he dropped his fearful thoughts, he no longer attracted his wife’s negative behaviors to himself, but his loving thoughts brought more love into his life as well. This simple exercise literally changed the dynamic of their relationship, transforming it from one mired in fear and resentment to one of accepting love. I suggested a similar experiment to a couple, Michael and Michelle, I worked with some time later. The husband, a physician, was something of a skeptic, but agreed to do the exercise. He returned the next week with his wife, ecstatic over the change in their relationship during that week! Then he paused, began to slump in his chair, and the corners of his mouth drooped as he said sadly, “But I would have to be godlike to do that all the time.” He went on to talk at length about how he believed it would be impossible for him to continue it successfully. I replied, “Godlike is exactly what you are. That’s why you could do it this week and can continue to do it and get similar results, if you so choose. If you did it once, you can do it again and again.” But Michael was unable to accept this truth and as a result he stopped the exercise and shortly afterward left therapy. I have no doubt in my mind that unless he was able to find help elsewhere, to this day, he remains in the state of unhappiness that was more familiar to him. It was clear to me that what Michael most feared was not the work involved in doing the constant thought monitoring, but his intrinsic god power. What he was not ready to accept was the idea that he could create with his thoughts what he wished for; in his case, a happy marriage. Michael and Michelle are not alone. Sometimes we get so attached to our self-image as little, weak, and victimized, that it feels intensely threatening to let it go. Until we are ready, we will remain in our state of suffering, which will likely increase until we cannot take it anymore. THE TERROR OF KNOWING OUR TRUE SELF As we awaken to our divine nature as omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent, we will rise above the counterfeit self and abandon our identification with our ego and our illusion of separateness, and this can happen quite effortlessly. However, it’s often when we consider owning all the godlike qualities of the True Self, that we get stopped in the process of creating a spiritual relationship. We get stopped by our feelings of fear, perhaps even terror. We may fight in countless ways to keep our old limited view of who and what we are. We ask ourselves, as Marianne Williamson phrased it so beautifully, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? I ask you, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. You are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within you.” But as you know, life is not a straight road, and we as humans are not static. We are constantly changing and interacting with the world around us. In this way, the ego constantly tempts us, trying to distract and deceive us—it does not want us to stop believing in its supposed power, and it certainly doesn’t want you to believe that you—as the True Self—are powerful beyond measure. One day as I was on a commuter train and writing this chapter in my notebook computer, there was a man sitting across from me with two of his friends. He complained loudly and authoritatively about every aspect of his life, including his business associates and his family members, during the entire hour-long train ride. But what I could hear clearly underneath his complaints was an unhappiness in his voice and a feeling of powerlessness, even though he also bragged about his great business success. And when I looked into his face I saw the scowl lines of unhappiness and despair that had been etched into it through long years of negativity and fear. I was certain that his personal reality was a world of suffering and continual fear, that he believed himself to be in danger of being victimized by people in an unfair and powerful world, ranging from coworkers to his wife and children. His creative power was being misused in this act of miscreation, for it convinces him that he is basically powerless over the happiness or unhappiness in his life. Our omnipotence creates in countless ways, even the delusion that we are powerless. By such denial, we do not see that we create our relationships, whether they are happy or conflicted. But when we begin to work with our potential to create differently, some people particularly resist the idea that they have created their lives and relationships. By being afraid of taking responsibility for their unhappiness, they remain stuck in their patterns, never realizing once that if they could only accomplish this they would immediately, just as easily, begin creating a better life for themselves. One of the first steps to creating a spiritual or happy relationship is by addressing two of our greatest fears in ego-based relationships: (1) the fear of losing the other person, and (2) the fear of losing one’s self. While we all tend to vacillate between these two primary fears to some degree, a person may express one or the other more predominantly in a relationship. But when we begin to recognize our divine capacity to love unconditionally, we actually solve both fears at the same time: (1) the more we accept our divine natures and our interconnectedness, the less we fear losing the other person, and (2) the more we genuinely love the other person, the less we fear losing ourselves because we have found our true loving selves by extending love. In the chapters that follow, you will learn a number of techniques that will help you discover your True Self, reinforcing your connection with all others in the universe and inspiring your trust in the love that is the Divine within. You will learn not only how to own the power of your True Self, but trust in the path of the spiritual marriage. When you start to use these practices, you may find the ego mind engaging in a thousand different ways to try to get you to stop using them: you will not find the time, it will be too hard, blame someone else, you will be too tired, or you “don’t believe in this crap.” You may also simply decide the practices are not working, or “I can’t do it.” Others will forget to use the practices in a consistent way, even though they intend to do so. And still others may find they have the urge to put down the book even before getting to the practices. I have felt such urges on numerous occasions when I have been reading any material that challenges my ego’s perception of who and what I truly am. Many patients are more comfortable going into a therapy in which they analyze their problems for years and seek to find out what is wrong with them. Such patients and therapists are uncomfortable with any process in which awakening and empowerment could take place more quickly—sometimes in the twinkling of an eye. Sometimes people will flee couples’ therapy if the therapist challenges in any way their belief that they are the victims of their partners. Some psychoanalysts may even interpret a patient’s wanting relief from their suffering more quickly as a resistance to the process. These and countless other resistances are evidence of the ego’s fear of our losing identification with the false self we think we are. It is not only comfortable with our suffering, but also is threatened by our release from it. But the only power it really has is the power we give to it—and that is something completely under our control. The ego part of our minds will experience an enormous threat anytime we begin to own more of our power, our love, and happiness. It will oppose our positive strides toward awakening in every possible way. Psychotherapists have observed such reactions for decades, noticing that when a patient has just made progress or is on the verge of it, the person will find excuses to be late, miss sessions, cease using sessions productively, have nothing to talk about, or will sometimes even quit the process. Recognizing this human tendency, the existential psychologist Abraham Maslow wrote a chapter “On the Need to Know and the Fear of Knowing” in his book Toward a Psychology of Being. After discussing many diverse ways in which we are afraid to examine ourselves and our resistance to carrying out positive growth-enhancing practices, he notes (emphasis added): We find another kind of resistance, a denying of our best side, of our talents, of our finest impulse, of our higher potentialities, of our creativeness. . . . It is precisely the god-like in ourselves that we are ambivalent about, fascinated by and fearful of, motivated to and defensive against. To accept the innate godlike power of our Spiritual Self is very frightening to the ego mind, and we will often fight for the viewpoint that various things are impossible and that our powers are limited. Such power is actually the opposite of the ego, which feels its boundary to be of the body. But remember, our ego has no power beyond that which we give it, and in the moments when we come to this full realization, then the ego will cease to exist, or at least for that moment will lose its primary place in our thoughts. By recognizing our own potential divinity, we will lose nothing but our mistaken sense of littleness, the feeling of being out of control of our lives, and our fear and suffering in relationships.
The connection between our thoughts and our lives is inseparable. The degree to which our thoughts are out of control is the degree to which our lives and our relationships feel out of control. Just as we can easily understand that an athlete or musician cannot perform well if his thoughts are out of control—that is, not focused—so it is true in every arena of our lives. A person with angry thoughts is likely to be an angry person. A person who houses fear thoughts is likely to be a frightened person; and, as we saw above, this often attracts like a powerful force field what he is afraid of into his life. A person with a disorganized mind is likely to be disorganized in his life. A person with hopeless, judgmental, guilty, or powerless thoughts is likely to be depressed. And on it goes, all affecting how our relationships progress. Whatever we think, not just about ourselves but even about others, always boomerangs instantly. If I dwell on a loving thought about someone else, I feel instantly joyful. If I dwell on an angry or resentful thought about someone else, I have attacked my own inner peace and it is annihilated instantly. This ancient proverb summarizes it beautifully and simply: “As a man thinketh, so he is.” The same truth was given clearly and poetically by the Buddha when he was speaking about one who is a true master: With
single-mindedness Your
worst enemy cannot harm you But
once mastered, It is the thoughts in your minds that affect most profoundly your marriages and other relationships. Do you think thoughts of judgment or thoughts of forgiveness? Do you think thoughts of deprivation or thoughts of gratitude? Do you think thoughts of fear or thoughts of trust? Let us look now to ways you can learn to be more in charge of the thoughts in your minds. The thought-monitoring exercises that are described in the next chapter will help you not only to become more in control of the quality of your relationships, but will literally show you how you can be happier in those relationships. ----Reprinted from Mindful Loving by Henry Grayson by permission of Gotham Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Copyright © Henry Grayson, 2003. All rights reserved. This excerpt, or any parts thereof, may not be reproproduced without permission.
Copyright © 2005-2008 by Henry Grayson, Ph.D. |